Monday, October 27, 2003
  Where does this fear of the new and the unexplored come from? At times, it ties me up into knots, its a great bullet in the middle of my stomach that just whispers 'what if?' , 'what if?' over and over again. Damned, the things I fear aren't important. I don't fear death, or aging or any of the important things you might be forgiven for fearing nowadays. Nope, nuh huh. I fear the stupid and the trivial. Traveling by myself....Doctors...Meeting friends from the web, calling people on the phone. Idiotic things that most normal humans take in stride. These things don't just scare, they terrify, and god help me, I think I know why.

I was a very sick baby, almost died a few times. I grew healthier as I grew older but It seemed like I was always in the nurses office at school for something. My poor mom had to deal with that. She had to cope with one of her children being THIS close to death on several occasions. I can't imagine what that must have done to her. I do, however, know what it did to me. The end result for me was that I became the 'fragile' one. Certain things I wasn't allowed to do, places I wasn't allowed to go, people I wasn't allowed to be around.

I remember I had a lil boyfriend who's father had a nice big set o golf clubs. One day, my lil boyfriend tried to show me how they worked. He ended up beaning me with it. He certainly didn't MEAN to, it was an accident. My mom knew this, and still I never saw the kid again. As I said, I can't imagine what my mom must have gone through, so I can't blame her for the things she may have taken from me, in the interest of protecting me. However, its awfully hard to learn from your mistakes when you are never allowed to be hurt.

I've always wanted to go on a rollercoaster but I never have. At this point, I probably never will. I was never let near one as a child. Now you are asking yourself, 'why not just go to a fair and get on one now?'. Fear. I was bred on fear. Had my mother known she was force-feeding me fear she might have thought twice, but I was a good girl. Always wanting to please, I never rebelled. So her fear, palatable and MIGHTY strong, trickled down to me. For all I know, she might have feared only certain things and been fine with everything else. It was all the same to me, though. The new, the untried, the un-scheduled, all were to be feared and avoided, and so it is to this day. That is one of her legacy's to me.

Which is kind of strange, really. She herself had no fear as a child. As my brothers have no fear. She used to be a tomboy, climbed trees, jumped, ran, did everything the boys did. What I inherited wasn't HERS. It was not in her nature to fear, and yet here I am, knowing all this and struggling to change and SHIT not knowing how to.

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