Friday, November 21, 2003
  Day of the Dog 6 10 am: Growl and paw the mattress hard enough to wake the thing in the bed. 6 15 am: Go OUT! Out! Out! Out! Let's go Out! I wanna go Out! Can we go Out?! Let's go Out! Do the "out" dance, tripping up your mistress until she stumbles over you enough to let you Out. 6 15 - 6 30 am: Run around in a daze, chasing squirrels and stray cats 6 30 am: Get a biscuit. I want a biscuit! Can I have a biscuit? Dance around your mistress's feet, tripping her up as she runs to get you a biscuit. Watch her scream at you. Lick her in the face. Get a biscuit anyway. 6 45 am - 11 30 am: Sleep 11 30 am: Reluctantly decide that your need to pee is greater than your need for a nap. Notice how difficult the choice has become. Struggle to get up. Slip on the floor. At last, succeed in getting up. Pad over to your mistress and nose her arm with your snout. Sit like a good dog. Wag your tail. Notice that she's not paying attention to you. Growl. As she quickly turns her head in your direction, pretend that you didn't just growl. Repeat the above until she gets off her fat butt and takes you out, already. 11 45 am: Relieve yourself. Notice that you can no longer seem to lift your leg. Pee like a greyhound, with your legs spread far apart. Hope for the best. Noon - 3 pm: Sleep. 3 15 pm: Eat kibble. Try not to hurl on the rug. Succeed most of the time. 3 30 pm - 5 30 pm: Sleep 5 45 pm: Go out. Chase the neighborhood dog down the street. Its one of those tiny, yippy dogs. Dream of its head in your maw. Almost succeed in getting hit by a fast-moving truck. Drag your weary mistress back home in tatters. 6 pm - 6 am: Sleep. Dream of running in a big field. Wag your tail, pump your paws and growl in your sleep. At intervals, stand bolt upright from a sound sleep and growl and bark crazily at the door. Scare the bejeezus out of your mistress. As soon as she gets up, go back to sleep. (Thanks to Vanessa for the idea.)

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