Wednesday, November 05, 2003
  I'm going to pay a visit to my cousin today. My only question being: Just what, exactly, do you say to someone with inoperable cancer? This is not your normal conversation. How do you verbalize anything without making them (and yourself) think of what you don't want to dwell on? "Hi, you look wonderful (for someone who's going to die):? "Hi, you look wonderful (much better than I thought you would, since your going to die)"? "I love you (I may not get to say it again since your going to die)"? I don't mean to be callous, I love my cousin a lot, but the situation is very unique and very odd. Here's a woman who pulled her life together in her 50's. Who went to law school to better herself. Who has two very beautiful, very young children. She should not have inoperable cancer. No one should, damnit. Let's face it. I suck at things like this. Here, I cannot 'look on the bright side'. I can't 'make it all better'. I can't fix it. I will surely try, it's in my nature to do so. In the end, though, I will fail. In the face of things I cannot change, I freeze like deer in headlights. Knowing her and knowing me, I may be the one to get comforted today. I sure as hell hope not. What the hell am I good for if I can't do this, be there when she needs me? Aaah yes, and as they always do, the topic swings around to me. Fuck.

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