Sunday, December 21, 2003
  I was all set to blog something holiday-like or goofy or stupid (and I probably will later) but Whitesquirrel said something that made me think.

What I'm thinking is this. I'm screwed up. I could blame a lot of things for this, childhood trauma, old boyfriends, the emotional scars that Ladies who Love can Lay on you...blah blah blah..but I can't really, and I won't.

Things happened, yes, but what screws me up is my inability to look past them. I continually pick at them, for my own personal edification, and when someone comes along who doesn't give a shit what happened when I was twelve and just wants to be with me in the NOW...I can't let things be. I can be happy, and am constantly happy but I cannot resist the temptation to look back in anger or in awe and wonder that I survived.

This is only me being immature. This is surely me being narcissistic. These things are decades gone and I still dwell on them. I cannot wonder why I am ever alone. Who would care to be with someone who cannot let the past be past? I have, as the saying goes, a hell of a lot of "baggage" that I've no idea how to dispose of and the moment I try to get rid of some of it, I start to wonder why I'd want to. I feel like I should be proud of surviving and wear my screwy-ness like a badge of honor.

In the end, I alienate anyone who tries getting close. I wonder how long this will go on. How long can I roll the past over in my head before it just gets...Boring?

Comments: Post a Comment