Wednesday, December 03, 2003
  I've been noticing something. Er...ok it took an annoying friend to point it out to me but since then I am noticing it more and more. I put smiley faces after the most disturbing sentences. Case in point.
"I write to keep myself from going crazy. :>"
What is that about? Is this my subconscious way of denying certain facts or maybe glossing them over? Or am I bullshitting myself and everyone else and the smiley-faces are a way to point it out? Like "look, she's not being totally truthful." I don't think so. I think certain things are so ingrained into me that I cannot help but use smiley-faces. I have to be OK. It is REQUIRED that I be OK. I can whine, moan and bitch all I want but no one must worry about me. If I was shot, the first words out of my mouth would probably be
"Oh, I'm fine. Just give me a second."
Asking for help, or even admitting that I might need it is a no-no. All reactions of an adult child of alcoholics. Easy to analyze it, but it takes work to overcome. ...So, why don't I want to? Why do I feel like "ok, these things are there" (even when I rarely even consciously KNOW they are there) but what's the point of changing now, after all these years?" I feel like people should deal with me "as-is". I should be good enough without being "fixed". (Jeez, I sound like my father there!) I like myself ok. I'm a doofus, but I'm a good-hearted doofus. Why change these fundamental things about myself just because others say I should. ...And why is loving someone else worse then loving myself?

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